Last week I found out that my best friend since we were 5 years old is moving to China this summer for her husband's job. I'm still in shock--over the news, and her bravery at taking on this huge adventure on the brink of our 50th birthdays.
Mary and I met in kindergarten and quickly became best pals. Throughout elementary school we played together, attended birthday parties, and became bad clarinet players. We took swimming lessons, neither of us learning much, but looking hot in our rubber swim caps. She lived in town and I was a country girl, so we rode our bikes to get together and became members of each other's families.
During high school we belonged to the same organizatons, took the same classes, had behind-the-wheel driver's ed together, and double-dated. We were freshman extras in "Penelope, Pride of the Pickle Factory"; made up a cha-cha routine for our phy ed dance test, wrote notes in class , and talked for hours on the phone. We were on the local High Quiz Bowl TV show, and Mary was so intimidated by the cameras that she didn't say a word. (Sorry, Mare, it still makes me laugh!!) She was valedictorian, I was salutatorian, and we went to colleges only 30 miles apart. We visited often during those years, seeing each other through the disco era. During summer vacations, we worked together at a factory that always made school look like a welcome alternative again in August. We hit a deer (she was driving) and got a flat tire (I was driving.)
Mary lost her dad in high school and her mom in college, losses that we grieved together. Right after college graduation, Mary married Bill and they soon moved to Knoxville, TN for her job. We still saw each other fairly often, mainly because of their trips back to Wisconsin. We were pregnant together in 1989, she with her first of 3 daughters and me with my second. I talked to her on the phone the night before her C-section with breech baby Erin, having been through one myself with Erica. She had Emily in 1993, and in 2000, she and Bill navigated the red tape of adopting Elly from China.
In 2005, Mary surprised me by using Bill's frequent flyer business miles to bring me down to Knoxville so we could celebrate our September birthdays together. No matter how many years had passed or how much distance there was between our homes, we still laughed like we'd been together the whole time.
A year ago, Mary had successful breast cancer surgery. It was the time I most wished we lived within hugging distance. I tried to be her cheerleader with letters, packages, and phone calls, and her healthy recovery was the answer to many prayers.
She reads my blog, and and an entry I posted last month about writing letters immediately guilted her into sending me one! It wasn't my intent, but whatever works!!
And now she's moving to China, for at least three years. Even though we've lived far apart for a long time and relied largely on written and phone communication, it will still be different knowing she's on the other side of the world. I have always admired her for her humor and positive attitude, and now she's amazing me with her willingness to pull up roots and take on a new culture "at our age".
Good luck with all of the challenges ahead, Pal! You may think you're a crummy pen pal, but I have saved a bunch of the numerous letters you've sent me over the years. Here's part of one:
"Thanks for being such a wonderful, lifetime friend and for staying in touch. Among the wishes that I have for my girls is that they'll have someone like you in their lives. Whenever I see the word 'friend,' your name enters my mind and I smile."
All I can say is "Ditto, Mare!" And how do you say "write soon" in Chinese?!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Motherhood
Mother's Day brings about many feelings and memories, both of having a mother and being one. Maybe the fact that I have a wonderful mother made it important to me to be the best myself. As soon as those babies were put in my arms, I knew that I would do whatever was required to keep them safe and raise them right. It didn't matter to what lengths I'd have to go--whether it be a swat on the butt or a kidney transplant, I would give it to them if that's what they needed.
But being a mother is hard. There are times when you hate yourself for not having the patience, humor, and understanding to get you through sleepless nights and days of tantrums. I don't remember the circumstances, but one time when the girls pushed me past my limits, I lost it and called them "little shits." This certainly had an effect on them, because from time to time they've said to me over the years, "Mom, remember the time you called us...?" No, I don't remember. It shames me to think I would say that, no matter what they were doing. That's another thing moms do well: guilt. I do remember standing in their bedroom doorways, watching them sleep like angels, as tears poured down my face for not being a good mom. My mother has told me she used to do the same thing when my sisters, brother, and I were little. I know if I took a poll here, we'd have plenty of company.
The rewards and good times, if we're lucky, far outnumber the doubt and regret. I think I've been extraordinarily lucky, in spite of my stumbles. We have succeeded when our kids grow up to be decent, productive, happy people who think we've been a good parent more often than not.
I have a box full of notes and cards that the girls gave me when they were growing up...essays by each about why lying is bad, misspelled apologies for something they did, Erica's treatise on why she should be allowed to get a snake. Most of the cards are home-made and express sentiments as only a kid can.
"Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you, even if you are mean sometimes. Love and kisses, Erica."
"To my dream mom: You are the best mom I ever had. Happy Mother's Day. I have a suprise for you. Roses are red, violets are blue, I hope you like the letter I wrote for you. Love, Katie Nicole Andrist, your dream daughter"
Happy Mother's Day to all you mean dream moms out there!!
But being a mother is hard. There are times when you hate yourself for not having the patience, humor, and understanding to get you through sleepless nights and days of tantrums. I don't remember the circumstances, but one time when the girls pushed me past my limits, I lost it and called them "little shits." This certainly had an effect on them, because from time to time they've said to me over the years, "Mom, remember the time you called us...?" No, I don't remember. It shames me to think I would say that, no matter what they were doing. That's another thing moms do well: guilt. I do remember standing in their bedroom doorways, watching them sleep like angels, as tears poured down my face for not being a good mom. My mother has told me she used to do the same thing when my sisters, brother, and I were little. I know if I took a poll here, we'd have plenty of company.
The rewards and good times, if we're lucky, far outnumber the doubt and regret. I think I've been extraordinarily lucky, in spite of my stumbles. We have succeeded when our kids grow up to be decent, productive, happy people who think we've been a good parent more often than not.
I have a box full of notes and cards that the girls gave me when they were growing up...essays by each about why lying is bad, misspelled apologies for something they did, Erica's treatise on why she should be allowed to get a snake. Most of the cards are home-made and express sentiments as only a kid can.
"Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you, even if you are mean sometimes. Love and kisses, Erica."
"To my dream mom: You are the best mom I ever had. Happy Mother's Day. I have a suprise for you. Roses are red, violets are blue, I hope you like the letter I wrote for you. Love, Katie Nicole Andrist, your dream daughter"
Happy Mother's Day to all you mean dream moms out there!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
No Fun on the Run
I hate running errands. You'd think that going to town for a few hours would be preferable to staying home and staring at the cats. Not for me! I'm not sure what it is--the numerous stops and starts, the waiting in lines, not finding what I want...I always end up cranky.
At the bank it's faster to go inside than use the drive-through, where I never pull in right and end up hanging out the door to put my stuff in the tube. Even though there's usually a line at the post office, it's my favorite stop. The clerks know me by name now because of the soldier packages I send, and always comment on the stickers I apply to my boxes and letters. Grocery shopping is the worst job--if I wing it without a list, it takes twice as long, but making a list requires meal planning ahead of time. Many of these meals won't get made because Fred is seldom home for supper, and I'm too lazy to cook for myself.
Yesterday I went to town, the main reason being to mail Mother's Day cards that required extra postage. I stopped at Walmart first--the store I like the least--but where I get my dog and cat supplies. I also looked in the pharmacy department for Fred's niacin, but they didn't have the right kind. On to Kohl's to pick up one thing I needed for a birthday gift--where I waited in line behind a woman with 20+ items. Next was the P.O., in and out in five minutes. From there I went to the Hallmark store for birthday cards. After picking them out, I stood sweating profusely at the counter from a hot flash--or annoyance--as the clerk rang up my purchase wrong and had to get a manager to fix it. The grocery store was next, to pick up the things I forgot when I shopped on Monday. I was already grabbing a cart when I realized I'd left my canvas bag in the truck, so I trudged back out for it. Shopping done there, I drove to Walgreens to get the niacin. They didn't have the right kind either, and what they did have cost $4 more than the same thing at Walmart. Aarrgh!! Was it worth $4 not to have to go back to Wally World?? Crap! Back I went, marched in for the niacin and used the new self-check-out lanes--a big plus to the recent store remodel. Finally, back home after 2 1/2 hours of putzing around.
I know there are other people out there who must hate doing errands as much as I do. Maybe I should start a business and do their running for them--at least I'd get paid for the aggravation. And then I could complain about my job, too.
At the bank it's faster to go inside than use the drive-through, where I never pull in right and end up hanging out the door to put my stuff in the tube. Even though there's usually a line at the post office, it's my favorite stop. The clerks know me by name now because of the soldier packages I send, and always comment on the stickers I apply to my boxes and letters. Grocery shopping is the worst job--if I wing it without a list, it takes twice as long, but making a list requires meal planning ahead of time. Many of these meals won't get made because Fred is seldom home for supper, and I'm too lazy to cook for myself.
Yesterday I went to town, the main reason being to mail Mother's Day cards that required extra postage. I stopped at Walmart first--the store I like the least--but where I get my dog and cat supplies. I also looked in the pharmacy department for Fred's niacin, but they didn't have the right kind. On to Kohl's to pick up one thing I needed for a birthday gift--where I waited in line behind a woman with 20+ items. Next was the P.O., in and out in five minutes. From there I went to the Hallmark store for birthday cards. After picking them out, I stood sweating profusely at the counter from a hot flash--or annoyance--as the clerk rang up my purchase wrong and had to get a manager to fix it. The grocery store was next, to pick up the things I forgot when I shopped on Monday. I was already grabbing a cart when I realized I'd left my canvas bag in the truck, so I trudged back out for it. Shopping done there, I drove to Walgreens to get the niacin. They didn't have the right kind either, and what they did have cost $4 more than the same thing at Walmart. Aarrgh!! Was it worth $4 not to have to go back to Wally World?? Crap! Back I went, marched in for the niacin and used the new self-check-out lanes--a big plus to the recent store remodel. Finally, back home after 2 1/2 hours of putzing around.
I know there are other people out there who must hate doing errands as much as I do. Maybe I should start a business and do their running for them--at least I'd get paid for the aggravation. And then I could complain about my job, too.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
If Mothers Got Paid
We all know that mothers are priceless, but there are people out there who actually place a value on what we would be worth if we got paid. NBC did a story about it Monday on the evening news, and I've heard about it other years as well. The "compensation experts" at www.salary.com figure it out based on your location, whether you stay at home or work outside it as well, and the various tasks that a mother performs. Cook, chauffeur, gardener, psychologist, housekeeper, laundress, shopper, referee, accountant, CEO...they rate the value of the job, the hours spent doing it, and what it would cost to outsource the job to someone else.
This year the experts determined that the average stay-at-home mom works 56 hours a week (I think that's low) and would earn $122,732--a 5% increase over last year. They say that a woman who puts in a 40 hour week elsewhere works an additional 17 at home (also low!!) and should be paid $76, 184--an 11% increase over last year.
Since I'm not a full-time mom anymore--just a very low-paid consultant--I went to the "calculator" at www.nightly.msnbc.com and used the Mom Salary Wizard to determine what I would have been worth 20 years ago. I was teaching full-time then and had two kids under 5 years old. The "mom" salary for Westboro, WI would range from $51,834 to $82, 525 today--I would have earned less in the late '80s. But still, those amounts would be considerably more than I earned as a teacher. Those years are such a blur in my memory because I was ALWAYS busy, and I also had to get by on a minimum of sleep. Getting paid for what I did at home wouldn't have changed much, except maybe allow me to hire somebody else to do the jobs I didn't want to do.
Should knowing we are worth so much make us feel valued? Or just resentful that we don't get paid for it? They don't suggest who should be paying us these imaginary salaries. The government? I'm sure all moms could use a stimulus package right now. But is this really a good idea? If there were money involved, mothers everywhere might be lured to different families by "headhunters" who promised them a bigger salary. There would be job evaluations, wage negotiations--maybe even a union: MOM (Moms Owed Money) The next thing you know, your kid would call you and be connected to someone in India asking if they can help.
I can only speak for myself, but I would be willing to do my 22+ years of motherhood all over again without being paid a cent. It's the toughest and most important job in the world--which is why God gave it to women.
This year the experts determined that the average stay-at-home mom works 56 hours a week (I think that's low) and would earn $122,732--a 5% increase over last year. They say that a woman who puts in a 40 hour week elsewhere works an additional 17 at home (also low!!) and should be paid $76, 184--an 11% increase over last year.
Since I'm not a full-time mom anymore--just a very low-paid consultant--I went to the "calculator" at www.nightly.msnbc.com and used the Mom Salary Wizard to determine what I would have been worth 20 years ago. I was teaching full-time then and had two kids under 5 years old. The "mom" salary for Westboro, WI would range from $51,834 to $82, 525 today--I would have earned less in the late '80s. But still, those amounts would be considerably more than I earned as a teacher. Those years are such a blur in my memory because I was ALWAYS busy, and I also had to get by on a minimum of sleep. Getting paid for what I did at home wouldn't have changed much, except maybe allow me to hire somebody else to do the jobs I didn't want to do.
Should knowing we are worth so much make us feel valued? Or just resentful that we don't get paid for it? They don't suggest who should be paying us these imaginary salaries. The government? I'm sure all moms could use a stimulus package right now. But is this really a good idea? If there were money involved, mothers everywhere might be lured to different families by "headhunters" who promised them a bigger salary. There would be job evaluations, wage negotiations--maybe even a union: MOM (Moms Owed Money) The next thing you know, your kid would call you and be connected to someone in India asking if they can help.
I can only speak for myself, but I would be willing to do my 22+ years of motherhood all over again without being paid a cent. It's the toughest and most important job in the world--which is why God gave it to women.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
No Rent, Just 'rents
Having more homes than we need can come in handy once in awhile. This weekend I'm going to help Katie move stuff out of the dorm and into the Elk Mound house for the summer. She'll be working in Eau Claire, and it would be dumb to pay rent when she can have her parents as landlords. So, I'm loading up things that we moved over here six months ago, never even unpacked, and heading back west with it.
Trying to make a cozy living space out of a big empty house will be a challenge. Let's just say there will be an "eclectic" look to the furnishings. I'm boxing up household items, groceries, and cleaning supplies--(who am I kidding??) Since the realtor will still be bringing prospective buyers through, it will be our tenant's job to keep things nice or she won't get her security deposit back.
I will be bunking with her every few weeks since I'm her summer lawn girl. When we moved, I hoped I'd mowed that steep lawn for the last time. Guess not. I also want to do some painting in a couple rooms--if Fred trusts me to do it without his supervision. Any friends over there who like to paint are welcome to help! But I digress. Our rules for Katie will be no different than for anyone else who would inhabit our house. Really.
1. Dishes will be done at least once a week, and dishwasher can't be used unless it's full.
2. Dirty clothes go in the basket, not left on bathroom and bedroom floors.
3. One in every two meals must contain a vegetable.
4. You can have friends over for popcorn and Hawaiian Punch.
5. Parents/landlords reserve the right to drop in unannounced at any time--usually bearing cookies.
6. House should remain clean enough that a major overhaul isn't required when the realtor calls to show it.
7. If Jasmine is your roommate, clean the litterbox every two days and do a hairball room check before bedtime.
8. Use caution going down basement stairs and when in the shower. Maybe we should get you an "I've fallen and I can't get up" alert.
9. Don't plug up the toilet--the plunger is in Rhinelander.
10. Be careful and safe. We'll have neighbors watching out for you.
We'd hate to evict you, so mind the rules. If the house sells, you and your cat will have to find new digs. We have a tent we can lend you.
Trying to make a cozy living space out of a big empty house will be a challenge. Let's just say there will be an "eclectic" look to the furnishings. I'm boxing up household items, groceries, and cleaning supplies--(who am I kidding??) Since the realtor will still be bringing prospective buyers through, it will be our tenant's job to keep things nice or she won't get her security deposit back.
I will be bunking with her every few weeks since I'm her summer lawn girl. When we moved, I hoped I'd mowed that steep lawn for the last time. Guess not. I also want to do some painting in a couple rooms--if Fred trusts me to do it without his supervision. Any friends over there who like to paint are welcome to help! But I digress. Our rules for Katie will be no different than for anyone else who would inhabit our house. Really.
1. Dishes will be done at least once a week, and dishwasher can't be used unless it's full.
2. Dirty clothes go in the basket, not left on bathroom and bedroom floors.
3. One in every two meals must contain a vegetable.
4. You can have friends over for popcorn and Hawaiian Punch.
5. Parents/landlords reserve the right to drop in unannounced at any time--usually bearing cookies.
6. House should remain clean enough that a major overhaul isn't required when the realtor calls to show it.
7. If Jasmine is your roommate, clean the litterbox every two days and do a hairball room check before bedtime.
8. Use caution going down basement stairs and when in the shower. Maybe we should get you an "I've fallen and I can't get up" alert.
9. Don't plug up the toilet--the plunger is in Rhinelander.
10. Be careful and safe. We'll have neighbors watching out for you.
We'd hate to evict you, so mind the rules. If the house sells, you and your cat will have to find new digs. We have a tent we can lend you.
Monday, May 4, 2009
On the Road Again
Yesterday dawned sunny and beautiful, a perfect day to be outside. After narrowly avoiding a skunk in gin, I went out to walk the dogs while Fred planted two apple trees in the yard. Then I helped him put back together some scaffolding that had come apart. That done, he suggested trimming branches off a tree--and the lawn needs mowing, there are pine boughs to stack for burning...I clucked my tongue in disgust at the tree trimming idea, looking pointedly at the bike sitting lonely in the garage. It didn't take much persuading--we grabbed our jackets and helmets and hopped on the Harley for our first ride of the season.
Having exhausted all of the routes north, south, east, and west of Elk Mound long ago, it was fun having some new roads to ride. Everything looks different here, too. In western Wisconsin, we rode past farm fields and over hills, while here in the Northwoods we pass many gorgeous lakes and thick pine forests, close to both sides of the road. As always, I'm on the lookout for deer--but now, for bears, too!
We went to Eagle River and had breakfast meals for lunch, then checked out a couple antique and gift stores. From there we headed toward Florence, turning on 55 to Argonne. I dozed just a little, but not even close to tipping off the bike! From Argonne we drove on 32 toward Three Lakes, having to make a U-turn to check out a tractor for sale on the side of the road. $3000?! I don't think so.
Right before Three Lakes, I got hit in the face by what I thought were stones. My right cheek really stung, and it was wet when I touched it--blood? Was I going to have a scar from the road to mark me as a biker chick?? No, it wasn't blood from a rock--it was sticky bug guts from a now-deceased insect. Eww!! We stopped at a little food place so I could wash the slime off my face and warmed up with a snack. On the way out of town, we made a stop to buy husband and wife fishing licenses. I haven't gone fishing in years, and it's something I want to try again.
Back home after four hours and 105 miles. Didn't see any wildlife at all. My butt hurts a little, but not bad--just really tired from all the fresh air. I pretty much dozed on the couch the rest of the night. Born to be wild, huh?!
Having exhausted all of the routes north, south, east, and west of Elk Mound long ago, it was fun having some new roads to ride. Everything looks different here, too. In western Wisconsin, we rode past farm fields and over hills, while here in the Northwoods we pass many gorgeous lakes and thick pine forests, close to both sides of the road. As always, I'm on the lookout for deer--but now, for bears, too!
We went to Eagle River and had breakfast meals for lunch, then checked out a couple antique and gift stores. From there we headed toward Florence, turning on 55 to Argonne. I dozed just a little, but not even close to tipping off the bike! From Argonne we drove on 32 toward Three Lakes, having to make a U-turn to check out a tractor for sale on the side of the road. $3000?! I don't think so.
Right before Three Lakes, I got hit in the face by what I thought were stones. My right cheek really stung, and it was wet when I touched it--blood? Was I going to have a scar from the road to mark me as a biker chick?? No, it wasn't blood from a rock--it was sticky bug guts from a now-deceased insect. Eww!! We stopped at a little food place so I could wash the slime off my face and warmed up with a snack. On the way out of town, we made a stop to buy husband and wife fishing licenses. I haven't gone fishing in years, and it's something I want to try again.
Back home after four hours and 105 miles. Didn't see any wildlife at all. My butt hurts a little, but not bad--just really tired from all the fresh air. I pretty much dozed on the couch the rest of the night. Born to be wild, huh?!
Friday, May 1, 2009
The News You Can Use?
Every morning and evening, I try to catch the national and local news, even though it's usually a depressing litany of all the things that are going wrong. I want to be informed about what's happening, but lately I just seem to get annoyed. The "talking heads" continually make mountains out of molehills, trying to whip the viewers into a frenzy with their hyperbole and drama over everything. Last night as I listened, I made some notes on the stories I heard and am now recording them for posterity. What would a visiting alien think, discovering this chronicle of our society's "news"?
10. Dogs and cats have no rhythm at all, but birds do. Birds recognize the beat in music and move accordingly. I'm really glad I know that now because I can cancel my planned dance lessons for our dogs and cats.
9. Condoleezza Rice argued with a college student, saying that Alqaeda is worse than the Nazis were because Alqaeda attacked us on our own soil. I'm sure the Jews, among others, would beg to differ.
8. Barbie, the 50-year-old doll, now has tattoos. There's a tramp stamp and one on her arm--though they are movable. According to NBC's Brian Williams, it may be a mid-life crisis or "because Ken finds it attractive."
7. Now that Chrysler is bankrupt and Pontiacs will no longer be made, there is a fear (created by the media) that some of us who drive those cars will suffer from "brand stigma"--the embarrassment of driving a car that's in the poorhouse or obsolete. I don't plan on getting rid of my Grand Prix any time soon. I'll just wear a bag over my head when I drive it.
6. In March 2010, the World Ice Fishing Championships will be held in Rhinelander, WI!! It will be the first time the competition has ever been held on U.S. ice. The Hodag is going international!!
5. Happy the Hippo is leaving the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. and coming to the Milwaukee County Zoo. There he will have a chance at love with the two females, Puddles and Patty. A multi-million dollar expansion of the hippo habitat will enable zoo visitors to view the hippos underwater--hopefully not when they're courting.
4. The two psychologists who were paid $1000 each per day by the CIA to mastermind the waterboarding torture technique had no prior experience in interrogations. They also had no evidence that it was medically safe. This one speaks for itself.
3. Miss California, who during the Miss USA Pageant said she was against legalizing gay marriage, now sees it as her life's mission to defend traditional marriage. She has joined an anti-gay marriage group, and the Miss California pageant committee has revealed that they paid for her breast implants. If you have heard her talk, you might guess they also paid for her lobotomy.
2. Vice-President Joe Biden said he'd keep his family away from confined spaces like airplanes and subways during the swine flu "pandemic." This prompted the Dept. of Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Center for Disease Control, and White House damage control to spend the day assuring us Biden meant to say that "sick people shouldn't fly." Hmm. So far in the U.S. the H1N1 virus hasn't acted much different from seasonal flu viruses, but the media wants to make sure we take it seriously. Fox News graphic: THE NEW BLACK DEATH??
1. Finally, my absolute favorite. This comes from WJFW, the local Rhinelander TV station. Right after the chief meteorologist announced that it is Air Quality Awareness Week and stated that adults breathe 3400 gallons of air per day, the anchorwoman launched into this story: Wednesday night the Antigo Police Dept. and Langlade County Sheriff's Dept. had a bonfire and burned 800 marijuana plants and 300 lbs. of pot ready for sale. The drugs were worth a half a million dollars, and they also "threw in" some methamphetamine, Ecstasy, and cocaine. I kind of thought that the winds from the south that night were making me feel unusually mellow, and I got up at 1 AM to eat some potato chips. I'm sure a lot of people are now definitely aware of the above-average air quality around here this week.
Have a great weekend, and watch the news!!
10. Dogs and cats have no rhythm at all, but birds do. Birds recognize the beat in music and move accordingly. I'm really glad I know that now because I can cancel my planned dance lessons for our dogs and cats.
9. Condoleezza Rice argued with a college student, saying that Alqaeda is worse than the Nazis were because Alqaeda attacked us on our own soil. I'm sure the Jews, among others, would beg to differ.
8. Barbie, the 50-year-old doll, now has tattoos. There's a tramp stamp and one on her arm--though they are movable. According to NBC's Brian Williams, it may be a mid-life crisis or "because Ken finds it attractive."
7. Now that Chrysler is bankrupt and Pontiacs will no longer be made, there is a fear (created by the media) that some of us who drive those cars will suffer from "brand stigma"--the embarrassment of driving a car that's in the poorhouse or obsolete. I don't plan on getting rid of my Grand Prix any time soon. I'll just wear a bag over my head when I drive it.
6. In March 2010, the World Ice Fishing Championships will be held in Rhinelander, WI!! It will be the first time the competition has ever been held on U.S. ice. The Hodag is going international!!
5. Happy the Hippo is leaving the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. and coming to the Milwaukee County Zoo. There he will have a chance at love with the two females, Puddles and Patty. A multi-million dollar expansion of the hippo habitat will enable zoo visitors to view the hippos underwater--hopefully not when they're courting.
4. The two psychologists who were paid $1000 each per day by the CIA to mastermind the waterboarding torture technique had no prior experience in interrogations. They also had no evidence that it was medically safe. This one speaks for itself.
3. Miss California, who during the Miss USA Pageant said she was against legalizing gay marriage, now sees it as her life's mission to defend traditional marriage. She has joined an anti-gay marriage group, and the Miss California pageant committee has revealed that they paid for her breast implants. If you have heard her talk, you might guess they also paid for her lobotomy.
2. Vice-President Joe Biden said he'd keep his family away from confined spaces like airplanes and subways during the swine flu "pandemic." This prompted the Dept. of Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Center for Disease Control, and White House damage control to spend the day assuring us Biden meant to say that "sick people shouldn't fly." Hmm. So far in the U.S. the H1N1 virus hasn't acted much different from seasonal flu viruses, but the media wants to make sure we take it seriously. Fox News graphic: THE NEW BLACK DEATH??
1. Finally, my absolute favorite. This comes from WJFW, the local Rhinelander TV station. Right after the chief meteorologist announced that it is Air Quality Awareness Week and stated that adults breathe 3400 gallons of air per day, the anchorwoman launched into this story: Wednesday night the Antigo Police Dept. and Langlade County Sheriff's Dept. had a bonfire and burned 800 marijuana plants and 300 lbs. of pot ready for sale. The drugs were worth a half a million dollars, and they also "threw in" some methamphetamine, Ecstasy, and cocaine. I kind of thought that the winds from the south that night were making me feel unusually mellow, and I got up at 1 AM to eat some potato chips. I'm sure a lot of people are now definitely aware of the above-average air quality around here this week.
Have a great weekend, and watch the news!!
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