Colonoscopy, Part One

Right before I turned 50 in September, I received a card from our insurance company that said: "You're 50! Celebrate with a colonoscopy today!!" Yeah, right. Just how I wanted to "celebrate" an already traumatic birthday. But I read through the material and discovered that they offered a $50 incentive for having the procedure done within a year of turning 50. I knew it was inevitable, just another one of the sucky aspects of getting older--so at my yearly check-up last month, I scheduled a "consult," a pre-appointment for the actual ordeal itself.
That appointment was this morning. My doctor is a woman, and I liked her right away. She asked if I had come in because of a specific concern, and I explained that I was really there to earn the $50 (which I'll use on my soldiers!) "Wow, that's a great incentive," she said. "I suppose now you want a cut?!" I asked her. She laughed and seemed like a normal person--so I didn't ask her what would inspire a doctor to specialize in this particular field. She assured me, "I look at butts all the time, so you don't need to worry about that." I assured her that after a woman has gone through pregnancy, all embarrassment and modesty fly out the window anyway. I was already thinking about what I could write on my butt the day of the procedure to make her laugh. "Be gentle"? "Born to Ride"? "Go Packers!!" ??
After she left the office, the nurse came back in to go through paperwork and schedule it with me. I was thinking it would probably be a couple months before I could get in for one, so when she said, "How about next Thursday, the 14th?" I gulped, Oh crap!! (Haha) At least if everything goes ok, I won't be subjected to this again for another 10 years.
She gave me the "prep kit" and explained it, my disgust level rising rapidly with each thing she said. Then she put it in a little brown bag so I could walk back through the waiting room without people pointing and laughing.
So now I can be dreading this for the next 10 days. I will write Part Two on Wednesday as I endure the prep phase of the process. Fred leaves for Sarasota, Florida on the 14th, so Katie is going to have to be my chauffeur and nursemaid for this. Now if I can just talk her into writing the message on my butt!
To be continued...