Cat-Astrophe

Many of you have probably read the hilarious forward about trying to give a cat a pill. In the many years that we've had cats, I've so far been spared that challenge--but I recently had a flea and tick collar adventure. Three of our kitties are the indoor-outdoor variety, so I wanted to make sure that no little pests--besides the cats and Fred--ended up in bed with me now that flea and tick season is here. So I bought three collars, the instructions on the box seeming simple enough. "Place the collar around the cat's neck, adjust for proper fit, and buckle in place." Of course, they probably wrote this after practicing on inanimate cat mannequins.
I waited until Russ and Smokey were dozing and easily buckled the collars in place. No problem! Piece of cake! Crunchy, however, was suspicious as soon as I sat down next to her. The growling started when I looped the collar around her neck, and she ran before I could buckle it. I sat reading the paper until she finally came out from under the end table, then nonchalantly sat on the floor next to her. She looked wary, but soon started rubbing her head against me and purring. I grabbed her with my left hand, and as I reached for the collar she bit my forearm, snarled, and dashed behind the couch. Round two to the cat. I washed my arm off so none of the tetrachlorvinphos--the collar's active ingredient--would get in the bite and cause "excess salivation, muscle fasciculation, vomiting, and diarrhea." An hour or so later--trauma apparently forgotten (hers, not mine)--she again sidled up to me. No messing around this time! I scooped her up and went for the full frontal assault, sliding the already-buckled collar right over her head. "Rreeeoooww!" she objected, digging her back claws into my thigh and launching herself with all her weight. I opened the door, and she raced outside.
Success!! That will teach her to mess with me, I gloated as I wiped the blood from the three claw marks on my leg. When I let her back in the house a half hour later, the first thing I saw was that the collar was gone! What?! $5.37 for the stupid collar, two cat-inflicted injuries, and it's gone in a half hour? I marched outside and searched around the yard, finding it beneath my birdfeeders. The "safety release buckle" had come open, probably from her scratching at it with her foot. I brought it in the house and temporarily put it in a Ziploc bag. Round 4 to the cat. And I think my cheek just twitched.