Ch-ch-changes

**This post is not for the squeamish or cowardly--only those who can handle the truth.**
When we females are 9 or so, our mothers have "The talk" with us about the changes that will soon be happening in our bodies. I think another talk from Mom should be mandatory as we approach 50 and our bodies again start throwing us curveballs.
Right now I have a lot in common with a 14-year-old boy. My face is breaking out. While he can't wait to show off the downy new mustache on his upper lip, what the heck am I supposed to do with mine?? I'm also getting a unibrow as hair starts filling in between my eyes, my eyebrows becoming bushy and wiry like Great-Grandpa Schroeder's used to be. I think my voice is a little lower, too.
When you're talking to a woman in her 40s or 50s, pay close attention. If she laughs, sneezes, or coughs, then gets a stricken look on her face, it means "I just peed a little." Our bladders are betraying us; "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!" is not just an advertising slogan.
These are just a couple of the indignities I'm currently experiencing. According to Project Aware at www.projectaware.org, hundreds of women have put together a list of 35 "common symptoms that occur during perimenopause and menopause." Our husbands should read this and be afraid--be very afraid.
1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
2. Irregular heartbeat
3. Irritability
4. Mood swings, sudden tears
5. Trouble sleeping through the night
6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter or longer cycles
7. Loss of libido
8. Dry vagina
9. Crashing fatigue
10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
13. Disturbing memory lapses
14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing or laughing
15. Itchy crawly skin
16. Aching, sore joints, muscles, and tendons
17. Increased tension in muscles
18. Breast tenderness
19. Headache change; increase or decrease
20. Gastrointestinal distress
21. Sudden bouts of bloat
22. Depression
23. Exacerbation of exisiting conditions
24. Increase in allergies
25. Weight gain, often around the waist and thighs, resulting in the "disappearing waistline"
26. Hair loss or thinning; increase in facial hair
27. Dizziness, lightheadedness, loss of balance
28. Changes in body odor
29. Electric shock sensation under the skin or in the head
30. Tingling in the extremities
31. Gum problems, increased bleeding
32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
33. Osteoporosis after several years
34. Changes in fingernails
35. Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, whooshing, buzzing

Sounds like fun, huh? Ironically, some women go through menopause with nary a symptom, while I'm up to 15 and counting. I'll spare you any more gory details and go shave.