The Order of Love

Most of us have heard about the birth order concept--how the sequence of our birth in relationship to our siblings affects our personality development. Much of that development is shaped by the way our parents respond to us, which tends to change a bit from one baby to the next. Parents are likely to focus on every detail of the firstborn child's progress, chronicling all of the "firsts," providing much one-on-one interaction, and expecting independent and helpful behaviors when baby number two arrives. Consequently, firstborns are often high achievers and expect a lot from themselves and others.
As a firstborn, I possess many of the qualities associated with that position: organized, responsible, bossy, conscientious, anxious. That doesn't sound like a very enjoyable person to be around! I think I'm less uptight and more fun than those adjectives would suggest, but the words definitely applied to my days as a student. I can also see the same qualities in Erica, though she doesn't have anxiety issues and is more like Fred in other respects.
With our 25th anniversary coming up this fall, I was wondering what the experts would say about our compatibility based on birth order. Obviously Fred and I are pretty well-matched to have been together this long, but does birth order have anything to do with it?
It turns out that the best possible match in a relationship is a female oldest/only child who marries a male who is the youngest in the family and has older sisters. Fred isn't the youngest boy--he has a brother who's 11 months his junior--but he has 3 older sisters. Being the oldest, I was always the mother hen with my sisters and brother, and that maternal feeling continues when we enter romantic relationships. The man who has older sisters is used to having women take care of and dote on him. Rather than being a super-achiever, he possesses more of the fun-loving, spontaneous qualities that balance out the firstborn partner's seriousness. So I guess our match is a good one based on this theory. It explains a lot as I look back over the years of me doing most of the traditional "woman's work" around the house and him encouraging me to be more flexible and try new things.
As far as the rest of you are concerned, here's what the research says about other romantic birth order combinations:
--Middle child and youngest: good match, especially if the middle child is a secondborn and has some firstborn qualities
--Firstborn and middle child: good match if middle child leans toward having youngest child traits
--Middle child married to middle child can be positive or negative. These people tend to avoid conflict as much as possible and keep things to themselves, resulting in a lack of communication.
The worst combinations seem to be "likes marrrying likes." Two firstborns are apt to argue a lot and have control issues. Two lastborns will have a lot of fun, but things may go bad if one of them doesn't assume some responsibility and control. Two only children who marry each other will have power issues, plus not know much about the opposite gender since neither had siblings to relate to.
So--while for some of us, considering birth order when choosing a life partner is already a moot point, it might be a factor to think about for all you singletons out there. And it could make a new opening line...."so, do you have any brothers and sisters?"