The News You Can Use?

Every morning and evening, I try to catch the national and local news, even though it's usually a depressing litany of all the things that are going wrong. I want to be informed about what's happening, but lately I just seem to get annoyed. The "talking heads" continually make mountains out of molehills, trying to whip the viewers into a frenzy with their hyperbole and drama over everything. Last night as I listened, I made some notes on the stories I heard and am now recording them for posterity. What would a visiting alien think, discovering this chronicle of our society's "news"?
10. Dogs and cats have no rhythm at all, but birds do. Birds recognize the beat in music and move accordingly. I'm really glad I know that now because I can cancel my planned dance lessons for our dogs and cats.
9. Condoleezza Rice argued with a college student, saying that Alqaeda is worse than the Nazis were because Alqaeda attacked us on our own soil. I'm sure the Jews, among others, would beg to differ.
8. Barbie, the 50-year-old doll, now has tattoos. There's a tramp stamp and one on her arm--though they are movable. According to NBC's Brian Williams, it may be a mid-life crisis or "because Ken finds it attractive."
7. Now that Chrysler is bankrupt and Pontiacs will no longer be made, there is a fear (created by the media) that some of us who drive those cars will suffer from "brand stigma"--the embarrassment of driving a car that's in the poorhouse or obsolete. I don't plan on getting rid of my Grand Prix any time soon. I'll just wear a bag over my head when I drive it.
6. In March 2010, the World Ice Fishing Championships will be held in Rhinelander, WI!! It will be the first time the competition has ever been held on U.S. ice. The Hodag is going international!!
5. Happy the Hippo is leaving the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. and coming to the Milwaukee County Zoo. There he will have a chance at love with the two females, Puddles and Patty. A multi-million dollar expansion of the hippo habitat will enable zoo visitors to view the hippos underwater--hopefully not when they're courting.
4. The two psychologists who were paid $1000 each per day by the CIA to mastermind the waterboarding torture technique had no prior experience in interrogations. They also had no evidence that it was medically safe. This one speaks for itself.
3. Miss California, who during the Miss USA Pageant said she was against legalizing gay marriage, now sees it as her life's mission to defend traditional marriage. She has joined an anti-gay marriage group, and the Miss California pageant committee has revealed that they paid for her breast implants. If you have heard her talk, you might guess they also paid for her lobotomy.
2. Vice-President Joe Biden said he'd keep his family away from confined spaces like airplanes and subways during the swine flu "pandemic." This prompted the Dept. of Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Center for Disease Control, and White House damage control to spend the day assuring us Biden meant to say that "sick people shouldn't fly." Hmm. So far in the U.S. the H1N1 virus hasn't acted much different from seasonal flu viruses, but the media wants to make sure we take it seriously. Fox News graphic: THE NEW BLACK DEATH??
1. Finally, my absolute favorite. This comes from WJFW, the local Rhinelander TV station. Right after the chief meteorologist announced that it is Air Quality Awareness Week and stated that adults breathe 3400 gallons of air per day, the anchorwoman launched into this story: Wednesday night the Antigo Police Dept. and Langlade County Sheriff's Dept. had a bonfire and burned 800 marijuana plants and 300 lbs. of pot ready for sale. The drugs were worth a half a million dollars, and they also "threw in" some methamphetamine, Ecstasy, and cocaine. I kind of thought that the winds from the south that night were making me feel unusually mellow, and I got up at 1 AM to eat some potato chips. I'm sure a lot of people are now definitely aware of the above-average air quality around here this week.
Have a great weekend, and watch the news!!